Why does it feel like a door slamming shut?

Gabe got a new bed yesterday. It’s his first real big boy bed…a bunk bed. He is so thrilled and so excited and I’m trying to be just as excited for him. Mostly I am. See, having two beds in that room has raised the possibility of Joey moving in with Gabe and letting Marty have his own room. And, while I know Marty would love it, to me that idea seems like the death knell for any chance of having our fourth and final baby. When we moved into this house 4 years ago my plan hope dream was that the new baby would share the room with Gabe. Agewise it would have made the most sense. And, I figured that even if the baby was a girl (oh what a dream) that by the time she needed a separate room, Marty would be heading off to college. And, I’ve been clinging to that dream. But, the kids themselves raised the possibility of the room switch and I simply said it was up to them. I can’t make that decision for them because that bitch hope is making me ride the crazy train.

What if you let them switch room…and then you get pregnant…and then what are you going to do?

I put too many things on hold for too long when we were battling infertility and trying for Gabe. I can’t won’t do that to my kids. I won’t put their growing up on hold for a dream that may never arrive. If they decide to switch rooms, I’ll suck it up and move on. Anything after that can be dealt with if it happens.

So why does a little part of me feel like crying and why does it feel like a light is about to go off and a door is about to slam shut on a dream?

22 Responses to Why does it feel like a door slamming shut?
  1. Jen
    June 8, 2010 | 9:19 am

    It’ll work out. {{hugs}}

  2. areyoukiddingme
    June 8, 2010 | 9:45 am

    If they switch rooms and you get pregnant, they get to rearrange again. Families have to be flexible, and this is not something to spend energy worrying about. If you do get pregnant and have a girl, your boys will rearrange their whole lives for her anyway. If you do get pregnant and have a boy, they can solve the rooming problem among themselves, and you can call it showing faith in their responsibility and love for each other.

    As Jen said…it’ll work out. But, I’m sorry it makes you feel like a door is closing.

  3. Ernie
    June 8, 2010 | 10:03 am

    I can see how you’d feel like a door is closing because things didn’t go as planned. You had the rooms set up the way they are for a reason. If you do get pregnant, you can always rearrange again though! Don’t let the room arrangements take that hope!

  4. Mrs. Gamgee
    June 8, 2010 | 11:41 am

    I think the ‘what if’s of IF are what makes it so hard. You feel like you can’t make plans for big and small things because of the almighty ‘what if I get pregnant?’

    I think you are right to say that you won’t let that way of thinking hold you and your family captive. But I don’t think switching up the bedroom situation means that you are giving up on the dream. Rooms can be easily swapped back again when the need is there. (and I’m praying that it will be sooner rather than later).

    ((hugs))

  5. battynurse
    June 8, 2010 | 11:48 am

    I hear you sister. I know how much I make decisions based on my hope that someday I’ll have a baby and what would be ideal for that plan. Then to step back and do things differently feels like I’m giving up hope. However there is nothing that says we can’t go back and change things again. Or come up with a new plan. Hugs to you.

  6. Quiet Dreams
    June 8, 2010 | 1:02 pm

    It is so easy to put so much meaning into things, that, like the commenters above said, can easily be changed.

    I understand your feeling, though. I definitely get a vision of how I want things to work out, and so often, they don’t go as I had planned.

    hugs

  7. Barb
    June 8, 2010 | 1:22 pm

    sorry sweetie. 🙁

  8. Kymberli
    June 8, 2010 | 1:28 pm

    Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry. I understand how you feel. Sure, if the best news happens the boys can rearrange themselves again, but it doesn’t change the fact that this adjustment feels like a huge concession on your dreams. I love you, girl.

  9. Meari
    June 8, 2010 | 1:31 pm

    You feel like crying because you think a door is closing. Really it’s not. It’s an adjustment. All you’re doing is allowing your children to be happy. If a new little one comes along, it will be another adjustment. You will figure something out. Until then, rejoice in the fact that your boys would even consider swapping rooms! 🙂 ((hugs))

  10. niobe
    June 8, 2010 | 1:42 pm

    I know. I know.

  11. MiPa
    June 8, 2010 | 2:45 pm

    (((hugs))) If/when(?) you get pregnant, then it will be a good excuse to upset the apple cart and move everyone around again. Change is good to learn. But it is also okay to grieve the little passings of them growing up and the changes in your dreams.

  12. Sheliza
    June 8, 2010 | 3:19 pm

    Aww Kristin, at the end of the day you are so richly blessed with your 3 amazing boys. If #4 comes along all will fall into place. Congrats to Gabe on his big boy bed!!

  13. sara
    June 8, 2010 | 4:43 pm

    It’s like infertility likes to mess with us at odd moments, huh? Even when it’s not directly related to a current pregnancy or lack of…it still stings, doesn’t it? Hugsss…..I’m thinking of you and hoping things work out

  14. Aunt Becky
    June 8, 2010 | 6:51 pm

    Aw, dude, I’m all tearful right now. Seriously. Sending you a big old hug.

  15. Michelle
    June 8, 2010 | 9:54 pm

    It is so easy to say but so hard to do…not live based on what if. I know it feels that way but like every one else said. If it happens then you can rearrange things again if needed. Sending hugs!

  16. JamericanSpice
    June 9, 2010 | 10:28 am

    It does feel that way. I’m glad you are not putting them on hold and trust me, if you do get pregnant again, you’ll work it out. You’ll all work it out as a family. don’t worry about what you don’t yet know 🙂

  17. Dora
    June 9, 2010 | 1:46 pm

    What everyone else said. You’ll work it out. Big hug!

    (BTW, did you see my comment on Mel’s blog where I said I would totally trust you with my Sunshine? xoxo!!)

  18. feelsliketime
    June 9, 2010 | 4:19 pm

    So sorry you are going through this.
    Hope can be a bitch.

  19. PFM
    June 10, 2010 | 7:53 am

    Kristen-
    You know I understand exactly what you are saying. As you said IF never goes away. It poses such a challenge in our lives.

  20. ..Soo.See..
    June 10, 2010 | 2:09 pm

    man.. having to make decisions when your mind and heart are set on another dream is so hard. it’ll work out. not only is hope a bitch, but so is infertility, and with both we’ve got to learn how to be flexible even though we don’t want to be at the moment. huge hugs!! I often think b/c we only have 2 bedrooms, and 4 people, we’re at max capacity – which I can’t seem to accept. you’re strong, kristin, you can get through this. xo

  21. MrsSpock
    June 10, 2010 | 8:35 pm

    You can always rearrange- though it still feels like a slamming door. I am planning on moving J to the “big” second bedroom, and it will be painted blue, which is kind of symbolic of my feelings that we will never have three children, so why bother painting a gender-neutral color?

  22. justine
    June 10, 2010 | 10:53 pm

    Rooms are to be moved through … not into, not permanently. I can understand why it feels like a door closing, though. Time to open a window. *hug*

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