A lack of faith…

Logo 1in9Just over 3 weeks ago, I finally did something I’ve been meaning to get it done ever since my 40th birthday. I went in for my very first mammogram. I know I should have done it earlier but we were spending so much time dealing with Vic’s diabetes (kicked that in the ass…so glad it is gone) that the thought of another doctor’s appointment was just too much.

2 weeks ago, I got to have my second mammogram. Yup, I was lucky enough to be a member of that small select group that needs a follow up mammogram because something was seen on the first set of images. I don’t know why I was surprised. The women in my family have a history of fibro-cystic breasts. Why would I be any different?

2 weeks ago, that second mammogram showed a small cluster of calcification in my right breast and the radiologist said there was evidence of tenting of the breast tissue around that cluster. I was a good patient. I asked all kinds of questions. I listened. I decided to go with his recommendation and schedule a needle biopsy. Even though he said he was 95% certain there was nothing to worry about, better safe than sorry seems like a good philosophy to embrace.

I told everyone…it’s just one of those things…I’m not really surprised…not worried at all. And, intellectually, that is exactly how I feel.

But, deep inside, there is that little tiny part of me that is quietly panicking. See, about 10 years ago, I lost complete faith in my body. That is when Vic and I decided to have a third baby and my body repaid me for that leap of faith with 6 consecutive pregnancy losses. Each loss eroded a little more of my belief that my body would function the way it is suppose to. Each loss destroyed a little more of my belief that the odds the doctors quote mean anything at all. Sure, we ultimately beat that bitch known as infertility but holding Gabe didn’t restore my faith in my body. It just made me believe that sometimes God and modern medicine can triumph.

On Monday, that lack of faith in my body came slamming home. The simple act of sitting in the office of the doctor I was referred to for the needle biopsy sent my blood pressure through the fucking roof. Seriously, the last time my blood pressure was even close to that high was when I was dealing with pregnancy induced hypertension while pregnant with Gabriel.

Today, I have an appointment at noon to get my biopsy done. Intellectually, I believe everything is okay. Intellectually, I believe that when I get the biopsy results next week, I will be given a clean bill of health. But, that little voice inside of me is still screaming “You never fall on the right side of the medical odds. Why do you think you will this time?”

If you don’t mind, can you send me prayers and/or positive thoughts that my results come back ok. I really don’t want to join this club. I don’t want to become that 1 woman in 9 who has breast cancer.

9 Responses to A lack of faith…
  1. Pam Ringo
    March 28, 2014 | 11:09 am

    Praying my dear friend! I love you bunches!

  2. Venessa
    March 28, 2014 | 12:08 pm

    Thoughts and prayers coming your way

  3. Dora
    March 28, 2014 | 2:36 pm

    Thinking lots of good thoughts for you! xoxo
    Dora recently posted..A Joyous Update!My Profile

  4. Esperanza
    March 28, 2014 | 5:22 pm

    Thinking of you during this uncertain time. Xoxoxo
    Esperanza recently posted..Attitude ShiftMy Profile

  5. Danifred
    March 28, 2014 | 7:30 pm

    I totally get the betrayal of the body thing.
    Thinking and praying for you!
    Danifred recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Monkey BoyMy Profile

  6. Monica Mingo
    March 28, 2014 | 10:39 pm

    I read this at a red light earlier and my heart stopped. I sent you all the good vibes I had stored. I’m praying for you while you wait for your results. I have to believe you’re going to be JUST.FINE.



    • Battynurse
      April 3, 2014 | 12:26 am

      Sorry I’m just reading this now after it’s all done and over. Glad for you though that it’s all done and over and benign.

  7. St. Elsewhere
    March 29, 2014 | 12:35 am

    Good Luck! Good Luck and Good Luck!

    I am hoping all your fears would be unfounded.

    Keep us posted. I love you.

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