The day I was one of the idiots…

When Gabe was really little, he loved to play with the phone. And, like most kids, there was no faking him out with a pretend phone. It was the real one or nothing. I knew I shouldn’t let him do it, but he was just too damned cute with that phone. I used to joke around and tell Vic that it was a good thing had Vonage or we’d end up opening our monthly bill and discovering we had a gazillion dollar charge for the day he dialed BFE or outer Mongolia. One day, he actually managed to dial some number combination that got us a prerecorded message in Spanish. Laughed my ass off about that one.

There was one call he managed to make that made me want to slink away into a corner and hide. One day when he wasn’t even 1 1/2, Gabe managed to call 911….and, he didn’t just call 911…he called 911, kept the line open, and then dropped the phone somewhere. Like most days at my house, it was loud, noisy, and chaotic. I had no clue he had done this and was totally confused about why there suddenly cops at my door. I totally gave them the dog-face confused look…you know, head cocked, aroooo?, and a very puzzled look on your face…when they asked if I’d called 911 but we all had a light bulb moment when Gabe came tearing ass around the corner, phone in hand, pushing buttons. I was mortified that we had dragged them out for nothing.

I really felt like one of the idiots that day. See, I firmly believe, the idiots of this world are the ones  who keep my husband gainfully employed. This isn’t a slam against Vic or any other of the fine people who work as dispatchers. It’s just an observation of the truth. Vic has been dispatching either part-time or full time for almost 20 years. Here’s a small sampling of the more asinine things people have called him about…

  • Yeah, I know they’re saying on the TV that if you don’t have to go out you shouldn’t and it’s too icy to drive but I don’t have any [insert bread, milk, wine, beer, etc]. Is it safe for me to go to the grocery store? REALLY?!?!?!? *headdesk*
  • When does the Carolina (aka UNC Tarholes) game let out? Yeah, that’s the real role of the 911 dispatchers, entertainment coordinators.
  • I’m going on a road trip. What are the driving conditions in DC? Come on people…we live in fucking NORTH CAROLINA…the 911 dispatchers don’t psychically know what the roads are like over 250 miles away.
  • What’s the weather going to be like tomorrow? Have you heard of watching the fucking news?

The sad thing is that I can match these story for story with tales from my days as a paramedic. The general public has a total lack of common sense these days. Years later, I still laugh my ass off about some of the idiots who called us…and, if you ask pretty please, maybe I’ll share some of the best stories with you.

Anyone out there want to fess up about a time that you were one of the idiots? Pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeee!

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