Be scared…she came with gifts

I love my mom. I really do. She’s a truly fabulous person, hella fun to have around, and my kids have a blast with her. I think I have the best mom in the world…except when she brings my youngest two boys farting slime.

It looks innocuous enough but don’t let the bright colors and promises of fun suck you in. Flarp /Noise Putty/Fart Slime (whatever you call it) is a toy created by the devil himself…or maybe by a Grandma looking to pay back her kid for year of torture.

My first nightmarish experience with it was on our road trip to Georgia a few years back when she bought some of it to entertain the kids in the van. Imagine mile upon mile upon mile of brrraaaaappppp, eeeeew you stink followed by the insane laughter of the warped shorties in the back seat. It was crazy making. Then, it got spilled on the seat and some brainiac covered it with napkins instead of cleaning it up. It clung to that seat like crazy clings to Charlie Sheen. It took years before I was able to peel that hell born slime from the van seat.

My mom showed up today with two containers of this brightly colored torture device. Gabe and Joey spent hours making it make farting noises as loudly as they could. They were driving Marty, me, and the pets crazy. I finally snapped.

*ring, ring* my dad picks up the phone

Hi Kris, how is everyone?

Do you KNOW what your wife brought my younger children?  She bought them farting slime. I hate that stuff and she knows it. It took me years to get it off the seat in the van. I’m saving it. I’m making sure it stays in good fart making condition until Mom picks them up on Sunday. They are both bringing it with them and have instructions to play with it the whole way down to your house.

You wouldn’t do that to me, would you?

No Dad, you I will give ear plugs. Your wife gets to suffer.

It’s a good thing I love my mom and value our family holidays together or I’d be giving my parents a copy of Chicken Limbo to keep at their house for the grandkids next Christmas.

What’s something a family member loves that you hate with an unreasonable passion?

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