A Storm Raging

happysadfaceAs we get closer and closer to my husband’s surgery date, my emotions feel like there is a storm raging through them. Don’t get me wrong. I am thrilled Vic is going in for the Gastric Bypass surgery. I am thrilled (oh please, please dear God) that my husband will regain his health and add years to his life. I am thrilled that we will have more time together.

The surgery means that the end of his diabetes is in sight. It means Vic’s body will have a chance to recover from all the nasty complications diabetes dumped on him…no more high blood pressure (yay for pre-diabetes levels), cholesterol levels will return to the obscenely good numbers he had pre-diagnosis, and, if we are lucky, even the peripheral neuropathy might begin to repair itself. We are both looking forward to ditching a bunch (maybe almost all) of those medicine bottles that have dominated our medicine cabinet for the past 7 years.

But, a very small part of me is scared. Let’s face it. Collectively, we have a fucked up medical history. What happens if this is one more thing in the shit happens column of our life? What if Vic isn’t in the 85% of people who ditch their insulin by day 3 post-op? What happens if there are complications? I know, I know, they really have perfected the surgery but my infertility scarred psyche doesn’t really trust medical odds anymore. What if? What if? What if? God, I fucking hate what if!

Most days, I beat these feelings down and remain positive. I’ve been upbeat and supportive with Vic. The kids have a great attitude about Vic’s surgery because we’ve maintained such a positive outlook. In fact, I dare say my family has no clue even this small part of me is scared…but, it is.

The upcoming surgery has also caused a whole other set of feelings to boil to the surface and those are the feelings tied to infertility. A little over a year ago, I shared the story of our second encounter with secondary infertility…maybe I should have called it When Diabetes Killed Reproduction. Since any chance of a 4th child was completely wiped out by Vic’s diabetes, I’ve been able to fool myself into thinking I had dealt with the longing and the hurt and the desire for a 4th child. I told myself that the worst feeling I had regarding finishing our family was a little bit of conflict. Turns out I hadn’t so much dealt with it as I had flat out lied to myself. With Vic’s surgery looming on the horizon and the end of his diabetes in sight, all those feelings have come roaring back. I am back to tearing up when I see baby pictures. I am back to thinking “Why not me, God?” I am back to thinking “Oh please, oh please, oh please.” I’m back to thinking “Maybe, just maybe it could happen for us.”

So, to sum it up…

I’m happy.

I’m sad.

I’m hopeful.

I’m scared.

I’m a mess.

Yay me!

22 Responses to A Storm Raging
  1. Battynurse
    May 6, 2013 | 2:02 pm

    Hang in there. Sending some wishes for peace in the midst of the storm and for the best of positive outcomes. Hugs to you.

    • Kristin
      May 6, 2013 | 2:28 pm

      Thanks Michell. I am truly overwhelmed by the support that came pouring out.
      Kristin recently posted..A Storm RagingMy Profile

  2. Mel
    May 6, 2013 | 2:05 pm

    Those what ifs will eat you alive. Deep breathe and know we’re all sending good thoughts.

    • Kristin
      May 6, 2013 | 2:29 pm

      What ifs are a bitch but, with the support I’ve got from all of you, I’ll beat them down.
      Kristin recently posted..A Storm RagingMy Profile

  3. Lori Lavender Luz
    May 6, 2013 | 2:12 pm

    Sending you thoughts of staying in the present moment and finding calm, and sending Vic loads of healing energy.

    You’ll both have so many people abiding with you, Kristin!
    Lori Lavender Luz recently posted..Q&A: Adopted Reality, where adoption and mental illness meetMy Profile

    • Kristin
      May 6, 2013 | 2:30 pm

      I know, Lori! And, the thought of all those people with us is what is keeping me sane (for the moment).
      Kristin recently posted..A Storm RagingMy Profile

  4. onceamother
    May 6, 2013 | 2:15 pm

    I think your emotions are all totally understandable and justified. It’s hard when you’ve lived on the wrong end of odds and ratios to believe everything can go smoothly, but it can… and it will! Vic will come through this like a champ and good health and a longer life will be waiting for him. I also think it is wonderful to hold onto that hope. Don’t give up on your dreams Kristin. You are a fighter. That is something to be celebrated!
    onceamother recently posted..IBMDMy Profile

    • Kristin
      May 6, 2013 | 2:31 pm

      Having you tell me that I’m a fighter is a HUGE compliment. Thank you.
      Kristin recently posted..A Storm RagingMy Profile

  5. Molly
    May 6, 2013 | 3:03 pm

    Sending lots of peaceful and positive thoughts to you and your family, Kristin!

    The what-ifs SUCK, and suck HARD, but you are a very strong woman, and I have no doubt that you can tell those what-ifs to SUCK IT. HARD. Because they are party crashers, and they can get kicked to the curb. 🙂
    Molly recently posted..photo friday: it’s hereMy Profile

    • Kristin
      May 6, 2013 | 9:52 pm

      Thanks for the support, Molly. It means the world to me.
      Kristin recently posted..A Storm RagingMy Profile

  6. Jjiraffe
    May 6, 2013 | 3:05 pm

    I can really relate to this. It’s hard to let go of fear when past experiences have been so scarring. Wishing Vic all of the best for his surgery and recovery. (((Hugs)))
    Jjiraffe recently posted..How To Dress: The Maxi DressMy Profile

    • Kristin
      May 6, 2013 | 9:54 pm

      Thanks you, my friend. Truly, our medical history has been scarring and it has rocked my belief in a positive outcome.
      Kristin recently posted..A Storm RagingMy Profile

  7. Another Dreamer
    May 6, 2013 | 3:31 pm

    Wishing you strength to get through this. I think it’s totally normal to be all over the place emotionally, I would be too (*hugs*) Sending so many positive thoughts towards you and yours.
    Another Dreamer recently posted..Things-My Profile

    • Kristin
      May 6, 2013 | 9:55 pm

      Thank you. It may be normal to be all over the place emotionally but it still sucks to experience it.
      Kristin recently posted..A Storm RagingMy Profile

  8. Becky
    May 6, 2013 | 7:50 pm

    My dear sweet sister, how I wish twehat I could take away all of the fear and sadness for you. The truth is that we stuff things away, and until we really face all of the ugly, painful things that have happened upon us, we will stay captive forever. Vic is in God’s hands and I know that he will be just fine. The two of you have an amazing love that will carry you through. Take time to mourn, grieve, and process all of the feelings and unsettled emotions so that you too can heal. This process is for both of you: for Vic’s body to heal physically, and for your soul to heal emotionally. I’m here and always will be whether to laugh with you or cry with you, or just hold you. Love, love, love you to pieces.

    • Kristin
      May 6, 2013 | 9:56 pm

      Oh sister, thank you for being here and for understanding. I love you.
      Kristin recently posted..A Storm RagingMy Profile

  9. Kathy
    May 6, 2013 | 8:53 pm

    This also resonates with me and I am sending lots of love, thoughts and prayers your way. It is hard when new life experiences bring back old hurts and fears. Hang in there and know you are surrounding by so much care and support. xoxo
    Kathy recently posted..Gatekeeping (10th Edition)My Profile

    • Kristin
      May 6, 2013 | 9:58 pm

      Thank you, Kathy. Knowing y’all have my back means the world to me.
      Kristin recently posted..A Storm RagingMy Profile

  10. Esperanza
    May 6, 2013 | 10:11 pm

    That really does sound like a raging storm of emotions. Sending love and light and healing thoughts. I hope it all works out for the best and your family is healed with your husband.

    Abiding with you.
    Esperanza recently posted..The ShirtMy Profile

    • Kristin
      May 6, 2013 | 10:31 pm

      Thank you…and, repeating myself here, the support from all of you means the world to me.
      Kristin recently posted..A Storm RagingMy Profile

  11. Dora
    May 7, 2013 | 3:03 pm

    Of course you’re a mess. But you are are fighter, you are a warrior! Vic is lucky to have you at his side. Hang in there, girlfriend. So many good things to come! I can feel it. Keeping you in my thoughts. xo
    Dora recently posted..Join the Movement: Second Class InfertileMy Profile

  12. Pam
    May 13, 2013 | 7:45 pm

    I love you, Kristin! Keeping y’all in my thoughts and prayers that everything turns out for the best. I’m off work tomorrow if you want or need to chat. Sorry I missed your call the other day. I long for the simpler days!!

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